Why I Think Obama is a Fan of "Breaking Bad"

To begin this I feel as though I need to reveal something about myself. I have A LOT of free time. Why you may ask? Well it's personal and I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into detail about that at this time. That would require a post all on its own. (Hmm, maybe I will write that one tomorrow.) Anyway, as I was saying, I have a lot of down time. Hence the name of the blog, Living In The Internet, because that is what I feel like I do. I live vicariously through the endless space known as the World Wide Web.

But I do sometimes think during this time and not just watch funny videos of cats on youtube (although I do that more than I think is healthy) and I have a theory. President Obama is a fan of the show Breaking Bad.

If you don't watch the show the basic run of it is a chemistry teacher gets diagnosed with cancer and because we pay teachers a shit salary he worries how he will pay for the treatments and provide for his family after he dies. So he does the most logical thing he can think of and begins to cook meth to make a boat load of money in a small amount of time. Needless to say mishaps and shenanigans ensue.

Like I said, shenanigans!

I am a fan of the show myself and I read somewhere on the internet a joke that if the show took place in Canada it would go something like this; Chemistry teacher gets cancer and the public health care system pays for the treatments and gives assistance to his family. The End. Not a very exciting show so that is probably why it is based in the U.S. But that got me thinking and I did a little research into the show and the history of President Obama's healthcare reform.

The show premiered January 20, 2008. That was also the same day President Obama was sworn into office. (Conspiracy?) So I doubt that the President actually watched it that night because he was probably too busy partying because he just became the most powerful man in the freakin' world. But I am pretty sure that the White House has DVR so he probably watched the show when he wasn't busy.

I believe he was watching this show and thought to himself, "Holy crap!! This guy is now a drug dealer who is getting more evil by the day because he did not have good enough health-care! By Golly, this must change!!", or something like that. I don't know, I wasn't there.

On March of 2009, just one month before the season three premiere of "Breaking Bad", Obama held his first healthcare summit. Personally, I think clips of the show was being shown to illustrate how we needed better healthcare. Because let's face it, graphs and statistics are fine but not nearly as entertaining as T.V. But again I don't know, I wasn't there.

This is where I think the possibility of a conspiracy gets real. The first half of the fifth and last season of the show premiered on July of 2012. Just one month AFTER the Supreme Court decided that Obama-care was constitutional. This means that while the Justices were debating the issue to see if the reform would be upheld, the shows that were going to be shown in season five were complete. So I think Obama called AMC and was all like, "Dude, I really need those episodes to show to the justices so we can get this reform bill approved and not have teachers become drug dealers", or something like that.

Would AMC tell the most powerful man in the country "NO"? Hell no they wouldn't! I think they sent the tapes right to him with a note that said, "Thanks for watching and don't tell anyone" and those tapes got slipped right into the Supreme Court. A month later, we saw what some of the most powerful people in America had already seen. BOOM! Now we have healthcare reform, and "Breaking Bad" is no longer going to be relevant and the fifth season is the last.

But then again, as I said earlier, I have A LOT of free time on my hands so my theory is probably bullshit. But...maybe not.

To be fair I probably sound like whoever made this, so maybe my logic is flawed!

Retarded Things Twifag , I Mean "Twilight" Taught Me

"Twifag"... Uh I mean "Twilight" is a series of books/movies that have finally come to an end. Stephenie Meyer is done writing these shitty books and has instead gone on to write other shitty books that will be made into shitty movies, but I digress.

So seeing as how the saga is complete people of course have lost interest. Or not. Nope. Not even fucking close. There are still more fan pages and fan lit and fan art than "Fight Club" has. This signifies to me that society is in fact declining. So I decided to actually look into this obsession that still has the world sporting "Team Edward" t-shirts. So after watching the movies (because seriously, the writing actually sucked so bad I think the movies are better. And seeing as how the movies are crap that should say something.) I decided to share the core values that I think the author was shoving in our face the whole time.

1. Never have sex before marriage. 

Seriously, it can kill you. Edward didn't want to "hurt" Bella and was old fashioned. In books that have to do with vampires that don't drink human blood, the correlation with Ed not wanting to bust Bella's cherry was not lost on me. That vamp would not fuck until there was a ring on it!

But just to bring home the message, here is a picture of the author of the "sex is bad before marriage" message.

The most amazing part... she IS married!

So you are a teenager, or a guy that is REALLY old and you have all of these hormones screaming at you to HAVE SEX!!! PLEASE!!

2. So get married right out of high school so you can finally get laid.

Because that can in no way EVER go wrong!!

Something I did find odd though, while watching the movies (online because I was NOT going to pay for that shit!) I noticed that as soon as Edward and Bella was married, having sex was not dangerous. The guy that was worried he would kill an unmarried virgin had no problems hitting that once she was the ripe old age of 18 and married!

3 Kissing another guy is totally not cheating... so your boyfriend and soon to be hubby will totally understand.

"I don't love you, I have told you a million times! So Kiss ME!!"

To recap, Jacob heard that Bella was going to marry Edward so Bella asks Jacob to kiss her. Edward figures this out and when Bella says, "I love you more" his response is "I know." CUT FUCKING SCENE!! Wait... WHAT!! In real life she would be called out for the whore that she really is. The stupidness of this entire scene makes me question life on an existential basis. And I don't get paid enough to think that hard.

4. Abortion is NEVER okay. Even if the baby is growing and eating you from the inside out.

So surprise surprise the teen bride ends up being a teen mom. I won't really go into the details there because I think MTV owns the rights to that story. But the "thing" growing inside Bella after the very un-natural conception is in fact killing her! 

Skeleton Preggers! 

This begins a fight over whether or not Bella is carrying a "baby" or "fetus". This is the most pro-life scene I have witnessed since covering a republican convention. Of course the "fetus" wins out and Bella is only saved because her hubby is a vampire.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

So don't kill a fetus that is killing you and hope that your husband is a vampire and can save your life. Ummmm... OKAY?

And the last lesson I learned is..

5. Pedophilia... Is kind of okay.

Edward was 106, 107 and Bella was 18 when they got married. Yeah, that's not creepy at all! And to top it off, Jacob "imprints" on an infant.

So Jacob, a 17 year old falls in love with a baby! 

Suffice to say, after watching these movies, I felt the need to go to high school and preach safe sex rather than abstinence, not get pregnant while there was a "teen" behind my age, and I began to watch "Law and Order SVU"

At least they have their shit together. And don't think infants are the love of their lives! 

What Will You Be Celebrating on July 4th

How long are the American People going to let their government view them as the enemy?


Of course there are people who pose a threat to the American people, but to allow the government to view EVERYONE as a threat is in direct conflict to the Constitution that established this great experiment known as The United States of America!

The government tells its people that foreign and domestic terrorists hate us because of all of the "freedoms" that we have. So why does the same government that insists that our greatest asset is the same thing that they are slowly taking away from us?

We need to wake up, and take back our country.

I do not criticize my government because I hate my country, I do it because I love my country. Because "this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

And it is our responsibility to ensure that happens!

What High Schoolers Are Taught About WW II That Is Complete Bull Shit!

How many movies have you seen, even in this day of age, that deal with World War number two? W have Pearl Harbor (horrible movie that dealt more with Kate Beckinsale being torn between two hot guys than the actual attack) Saving Private Ryan, Thin Red Line, Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, The Longest Day, and many, many, many more films that deal with one war that the United States was in four four years. I am actually convinced that it would take more than four years to see every movie ever made about those four years.

Was it important? Well, DUH! Of course it was! We were up against a horrible fucking dictator that was killing his own citizens left and right and wanted to take over the world! (And ironically enough we were allies with a man that did the exact same fucking things!)

Remember Me?

But even though we have movie after movie about one war, many Americans have the wrong ideas about what actually went on during the war. Between the conspiracies and good old fashioned propaganda, many people don't know what actually happened during the most IMPORTANT war in the 20th century.

Myth #1- America Did Not Know About What Was Happening To The Jews Until After The War.

Truth is, yeah, we really did. Eleanor Roosevelt begged her husband to allow more Jewish refugees into the country because of the atrocities they were facing. FDR, however, had a lot of anti-Semites in his own cabinet and ignored the pleas of his wife. 

America also had the plans of Auschwitz while they were building a goddamn railroad to the place! One strategically placed bomb could have at least delayed the transport of millions to the death camp, but America had more important things to worry about. (Like imprisoning Japanese-Americans.) 

But through intelligence a lot of people in the political system knew what was happening to the Jews. But if the American political machine was so clueless about the Holocaust, then why were soldiers ordered to go to concentration camps to "liberate" them? We knew. Well, not the average American, but the Americans with power? Yeah they knew!  

Why Did We Not Learn About This?

Simple, we were the victors. Yes, it is true that the American people as a whole did not know what happened in the concentration camps until the Nuremberg Trials, but the president and other higher up's in the American political machine did. But if we taught 10th graders that we knew about the slaughter of millions of people and really did nothing to stop it, it would make America look bad! So it is better that they don't know. We can't have anything that makes America look bad in our schools. (America... Fuck Yeah!) 

Myth #2- World War II "started" in 1939

So technically this is true. But the "war" that started in 1939 was about as much of a "war" as America's involvement in Libya today. Meaning, not much! In 1939 Great Britain did in fact declare war on Germany and vice-verse. But it prompted a year long stint of doing absolutely fucking nothing! That year long period is now known today as the "phony war". During the first days of WWII the English government was trying desperately to convince its citizens that they were not heading toward another World War.

Hence, a sign that would spawn a thousand memes

So during the first, of what would be known as WWII, England, and its vast Empire, did nothing! They did nothing but live in denial that they were in a fucking war. But then Churchill came into power and in 1940 Great Britain actually began to fight in a war that they declared almost a year before.

Why Did We Not Learn About This?

My best guess is that it doesn't matter that much to Americans. A lot of Americans still think that WWII did not start until we were brought into it, in 1941. (Two whole years before war was actually declared.) In American History we don't really care what happened before our country joined any conflict, just what happened once we got involved. And even in World History, if it is taught in America it is still going to be centered around America.

Myth #3- The D-Day Invasion Ultimately Ended The War In Europe 

Did the D-Day invasion help the Allied cause of the war? Yes. Was it the reason that Hitler decided he could never win the war and end up eating buck shot? NO! The truth is that the real deciding factor of the war in Europe was not the invasion on the western front, but rather the invasion on the eastern front. In a battle known as Stalingrad, Russian troops entered Berlin and kept bombing and fighting until it was clear that there was no fucking hope for Germany. So yeah, the liberation of France did suck for Germany but it would take a dictator just as evil (if not more) as Hitler, that did not care how many of his soldiers died, to really beat Hitler at his own game.

Still me bitches!!!!!

Why Did We Not Learn About This?

Two words- Cold War! Immediately after WWII the Soviet Union went from an Allie to an enemy. Stalin was so hated that Churchill tried to convinced the recently conquered Germany and his own country of Great Britain to declare war on the Soviet Union. But everyone was tired of war at that point, and Churchill even lost his re-election bid as Prime Minister of Great Britain. And Truman knew that the American people would not be happy about being on the winning side of one war just to jump into another one. But Fascism was no longer the dirty word in America, Communism was! To prove that point we would enter into two more wars and a few other "conflicts" just to show our disapproval at that particular political ideology.

Myth #4- More Deaths Occurred On The Axis Side Than The Allied Which Is Why We Won The War  

This absolutely sounds logical! After all, the deciding factor of WWI came down to whose side lost the most people, but in WWII, not so much. In fact there were a lot more deaths on the Allied side than there were on the Axis side. In fact of all the people who died (military and civilian) the Axis powers suffered a 5,930,000 loss,  while the Allied powers suffered a 18,587,000 loss of lives. Just to help you understand those figures more, here is a nice pie graph to help you compare those numbers:

This graph shows the percentage of the populations of the Allied and Axis powers that was killed during WWII. It shows that Allies lost not only more military lives, but also more civilian lives than the Axis powers. But we all know that the Allied side won the war, so it would only be logical that they would have suffered the least amount of casualties. That is a logical conclusion, but look at the bar graph below: (it repeats the above pie graph.) 

 China was under heavy attack from Japan which is why they had such a high civilian casualty rate. But the most people, military and civilian, died in the Soviet Union (who during the war was on our side) than any other country. At this point you have to remember that Stalin is credited to be responsible for more deaths than Hitler. (And these estimates include the millions that dies in the Holocaust. So yes, Stalin really was more evil than Hitler!)

Yep, that explains his logic perfectly!! 

Why Did We Not Learn About This?

Chances are you actually fucking did. Even though the Cold War tried to downplay the Soviet Union's role in the victory in Europe, America has never had any problems telling you what an evil FUCK Stalin was. Chances are you were just not paying attention because your teacher did not use the word fuck as often as I do. 

And even though it has no bearing to this post I would like to present a few more Stalin Memes. Enjoy!

    

 

  

Are We Living In A Dystopian Future We Were Warned About In Novels? Yes, Yes We Are!

I like to write (obviously) but it also goes without saying that I like to read. One of my favorite types of books are the books that make our future look grim, deadly, controlling, and fearful. I guess you can say I am morbid like that. Some well known ones are Fahrenheit 451, 1984, and Brave New World.

And this book series. Maybe you have heard of it?

I don't know if it is the zombie-like existence of humans, or the wacky fashions these books always have us imagine, but I like reading about a civilization that is being controlled and manipulated. Where freedom is a bad word and you do what you are told, don't ask questions, and "get back to work you little shit!".

Some people think we are heading toward a 1984 type of existence. Where censorship is the rule, you are told what to think, when to think, and Big Brother is watching you.

Pretty fucking scary!!

But have no fear, because despite the warnings we are being given by extreme right-wingers, we are not heading toward a future of Big Brother. But we are not heading away from it either. I have a theory (if you have been reading my other posts you are probably beginning to see a pattern here) that we are heading toward a wonderful mixture of all these delightfully terrifying futures. 

Trust me when I say that I do not think most governments are brilliant. Hell we build entertainment platforms just to make fun of government in this country. (Thank God we still can. For now... DUN DUN DUN) However, they are sometimes not completely fucking stupid. I highly doubt the powers the be, or the powers that will one day be, will pick up 1984 and think, "Holy Shit-Nuts this is a great Fucking idea! We should totally do this, because I am sure that this book (that was first published in 1949) has NEVER before been read. These people are sitting ducks for mind control and they won't even know what is happening". Yeah, like I said, they are not totally brain dead. However, after reading the books listed above I cannot help but see some similarities between those realities, and ours. And because we live in an instant gratification society (something that will be discussed later!) I will share the eerie connections between the land of make believe and the land of the free. 

The Hunger Games

Just for the sake of time and because I don't want to give away spoilers to those who didn't want to read the trilogy but are patiently waiting for all them to come out on DVD, I am only going to focus on the first book. Because it is already out on DVD. This is the most recent published of all the books so we have not had the passage of time to compare those books to our lives the way we can the other books. So I don't have as much insight to this one. I wanted to include it, not because of what it predicts, but because of where author Suzanne Collins got the idea from. She claims that she was flipping through her television and noticed the invasion of Iraq showing on television and a reality show where people competed. Hence, a book trilogy based on the idea of killing people in a game on live television for the entertainment of other people. Sure you can dismiss this idea and think this would never happen and curl up with your blankie and rock yourself to sleep tonight, but remember that history does have this bad habit of repeating itself.  

Sweet dreams.

Fahrenheit 451

In this "universe" firefighters do not put out fires, they start them. And what are they burning? Books! (Seriously, who didn't see that one coming?) But, fortunately for us we do not have fire fighters pull into our driveways to set our goddamn houses on fire!

On the other hand, how bad could it be? 

But what they do have is a society that is engrossed in mass media and technology. Which, of course, the government uses to shape the culture and thinking of the people. Ray Bradbury envisioned a world that looks pretty close to ours. From flat screen televisions to ear buds, our technology of today is very similar to the technology in the novel. And the people in their universe and ours are obsessed with it. (Don't think this is happening? Leave your iPhone home for one day! One day! Do it! I fucking dare you!) But there is still this messy business of book burnings, surely our society would never allow such a thing. Bradbury explains in the novel that the books that were being written were becoming too controversial and upsetting too many people. After all, there was an intense need for political correctness so the books had to go so that they would not "offend" anyone. (Your starting to think now, aren't you?)

1984

When people think of a future that is pretty fucking horrific, this book tends to rear its ugly head. The major themes of this novel is conformity, censorship, and (my favorite) big brother. One of the ways the government in George Orwell's novel controls people, is by constantly watching the people. Surveillance is the issue here. We all know about the controversial Patriot Act that enabled the government to "keep tabs" on "persons of interest". That sounds harmless enough right? Sure, it may sound innocent but it's still government surveillance on private citizens. It is true that some parts of the Patriot Act has expired, some parts are still in use. In 2011 the Supreme Court had to hear a case in which police officers put a GPS tracking device on a suspect's car without a warrant. Thank God the Supreme Court unanimously called bullshit and told them they could NOT do that. In fact, during this controversy Justice Breyer mentioned this famous book. So one point for TEAM FREEDOM!! But we are still learning about ways that the FBI can hack the GPS found in cellphones and other scary stuff that can be abused, IF we let them. 

Brave New World 

This novel by Aldous Huxley is a personal favorite of mine. It has all of the materialistic, egocentric, sex crazed druggies that a girl could ever hope for! I could literally stop right there and already a lot of you are seeing the connection. But for the slower ones, I will break it down. In this "universe" the government pushes consumer consumption and materialism at every corner. They are always telling you to throw out the old, and buy the new. Hey, how did you like the government "stimulus package" that was suppose to keep the economy up by encouraging people to go out and buy shit they don't need? Another reason I love this book is the fact the government does not censor any-fucking-thing. They don't have to. It's an instant gratifying society so the people are gladly censoring themselves. No information is restricted, in fact, there is an information overload. The superficial, easy, and pleasant are what the people want. But we are not so superficial are we? We care. What are the most popular "news" stories right now? "Burger King's answer to the McRib", "Google unveils music streaming service, gaming extras", and " Beam me up popcorn Scotty; space station crew gets 'Star Trek' film before Earthlings" (Okay so I am a nerd and I liked that last story and thought it was really cool but I at least know about all the other shit too.) Meanwhile, in "other" news today there has been more confirmed reports of a SARS like virus that has so far killed 20 people in 6 countries, Spain and Greece are seeing almost daily riots because of their unemployment rates, and more than half of prisoners being held in Gitmo are on hunger strikes because of the appalling conditions. All of that has been reported on TODAY! But hey, at least we know about our fast food, instant streams, and movies!

Hell you don't need to read Fahrenheit 451, 1984, or A Brave New World. Because it seems like we are already living it! And if you are a student in middle school or high school you may never have to! Or The Hunger Games for that matter. Because all of these books have made it on the most challenged and banned books in our country. Yes, the land of the free and the home of the brave are having to take these thought provoking, inspiring, and cautionary tales out of our schools. 

Oh, it's not the government's doing. Like I said, this world is not completely 1984, the people are demanding they be taken out. In 2011 The Hunger Games was the third most banned book in the country. And in the years between 2000-2009 Fahrenheit 451 landed spot number 69 on the 100 most banned books of that decade and A Brave New World landed at spot number 36. And 1984 is number 9 on the top 100 classic books that have been banned. The reasons? Parents have cited complaints ranging from inappropriate language, suggestive sexual themes, and (of course) being anti-religion. 

The truth of the matter is that the government really isn't behind all of these developments. They are doing what is natural, taking the power that we give away freely. We are censoring ourselves, censoring education to the future, and becoming more and more lazy. So maybe you should read these books while you still can, because even though these books were written DECADES AGO we apparently have not learned shit from them. 

 

   
 

A Short History On Why World War I Was Truly A Retarded War

As long as our earliest ancestors began to create tools to kill animals, they found out that they could kill people as well! And this started a killing spree that continues to this day. But as we evolved more and began to form societies and cities we were able to take killing each other to a whole new level. And the birth of wars began.

There have been wars that were waged for freedom, justice, and other noble and worthy causes. One war was to put a stop to an evil dictator that wanted to take over the world, he tortured his own people, and killed a fuck ton of people. Guess who that was! 

No not him.

No, not him either,

getting warmer...

"ME! ME! I'M THE GUY!" 

Just to put things in perspective for you, the guy we did go to war with was not the worst offender pictured here. He is not even in second place. He is in third. Stalin (pictured above Hitler) is second, and Mao Zedong (pictured above Stalin)  was responsible for more deaths than those other two assholes. But I am here to talk about war and Hitler is the only asshole we fought so I digress.

So yes, as sad as it is there are some wars that are necessary and it pains me to have to say that. And then there are wars that have been fought that really makes you say, "Wait, what the hell are even doing here?" I am here to talk about such a war; I am here to talk about the cluster fuck that was World War I. It started in Europe in 1914 and ended in 1918. There were a lot, and I mean A LOT of deaths from this war. There were 37 million military and civilian deaths in this war making it one of the deadliest wars in human history. 

So if that many people died than there had to be a reason, right? Who was the evil bastard that caused all of that? Here is where we get to the cluster fuck part, there really wasn't one. No Hitlers, no Stalins, No Maos, nobody that you can point the finger at and say, "He did it! He started it and it is all his fault!" So what led to World War I? Well a lot actually but I am not going to bore you by going into a lot of detail I am going to kind of sum it all up because if I didn't this would turn into a 400 page book! 

1) Imperialism- now this is a big word that pretty much means "Hey you have a lot of good shit in your country that can make us have more money than God! So, yeah, we will be taking over now and make you apart of our ever growing money-making empire! Thanks, bye". It was because of imperialism that you now have a lot of either English or French speaking African countries. But this made it a competition. It was like playing a game of Risk only with real people and real weapons. So while every European nation was trying to get their hands on every country they came across, countries began to really hate each other.

2)- Militarism-- The Great Industrial Revolution had happened and there was technology available that had never been seen before!! This also meant that we could make weapons that had never been seen before. Because at this point a lot of countries hated each other this led to an arms race. Yes, ladies and gentleman Europe was engulfed in a cold was long before America. They did it first. They're hipsters like that!

3) Nationalism- It means "we are better than you so go suck it!" And this attitude was felt more in the Balkans than most other places.Prior to WWI not one, but two different wars took place in this region. Why? Well you have an area where you have  12 different ethnic groups and more languages, sub-languages, and dialects than is healthy to think about. And most of the people in one ethnic group hated the people of the other ethnic groups. So they didn't want to be in one country with "those" people they wanted to be independent or be in a country that had "their" people. Here is what that region looked like in 1900: 

And here is what it looks like today:  

Well all of this fighting lead to reason number four:

4) Alliances- Anybody who has ever seen a season of "Survivor" knows that this will not work out. They were agreements that pretty much said, "hey if we get attacked you help us and if you get attacked we will help you". It sounds simple, but that meant that if there was any trouble (which obviously there were or I wouldn't be writing this damn thing) EVERYONE had to get involved. Here is how the whole "alliance" thing actually played out: Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, Russia got involved to defend Serbia. Germany seeing Russia mobilizing, declared war on Russia. France was then drawn in against Germany and Austria-Hungary. Germany attacked France through Belgium pulling Britain into war. Then because Japan had already beat the Russians in the Russo-Japanese War Japan entered the war to fight against the Russians AGAIN! 

"This is making my brain hurt!"

5) A guy got shot- That is what started the actual war! As stated above (don't worry about re-reading it and putting yourself through that mess again) Austria-Hungary was the first to declare war and then everyone was obligated to join. Why did Austria-Hungary declare war? Because Emperor Franz Joseph got really pissed off when his heir to the throne, Archduke Ferdinand, got shot and died. A CIVILIAN shot Ferdinand but the emperor blamed Serbia so he declared war on them, and every-fucking-body else! 

Every reason before now is scholarly opinion that can be backed up by research. If you don't believe me, then look at Wikipedia for Christ's sake. But this last reason is a theory I have developed over the years on my own, and I would like to share it with you 

6) There were too many inbreds and not enough adult supervision- You see there was this queen of England named Victoria who did not just have children, she had fucking litters of them! So by the time all of her children marry and have kids, those kids marry other relatives so as to keep the blue-blood lineage alive. So at this time the ruling families of Europe did not have a gene pool, they had a fucking Jacuzzi. 

Here is how the kaiser of Germany, the tsar of Russia, and the King of Great Britain were related: 

Like I said, too much inbreeding

   

So there you have it. The cluster fuck of World War I. No real bad guy. Just a bunch of bored, rich relatives that wanted more land, more money, and a chance to play with their new toys. The toys being new and better bombs, machine-guns, torpedoes, and tanks! 

Well the Tsar didn't end up well. In fact due to a Communist Revolution he ended up dead. And Germany lost so Wilhelm and his family were no longer allowed to rule Germany. This made it possible for Hitler to eventually seize power and start World War II.  

"I'm back BITCHES!!" 

How To Bag A Prince: Disney Style

It has been brought to my attention that all of my adult life I have been living under a misconception of love. I have been led to believe that love is something that grows out of friendship and takes time. I have been taught that love is not an easy thing. It is something that demands patience, nurturing, understanding, and commitment. Boy was I listening to the wrong people!

Love does require many things but none as difficult as the above mentioned. I finally woke up and saw the light. I know exactly what has been wrong with me. I should have listened to a great philosopher of long ago, Walt Disney. Ol' Walt here has the right idea of what love is all about. I realize I have been taking advice from people whose knowledge of romance could not possibly compare to this wonderful wise man. After all, ALL of his stories have ended in the famous lines of "Happily Ever After".

So I decided it was time to study this astute man for, not just my own sake, but for all of womankind. So after long nights of isolation from my friends and family, and after sleepless nights and taking tedious notes on my yellow legal pad I am ready to hare my findings with the world.

First of all, you must have a wicked stepmother who posses magical powers and wants nothing more than to see your body lying dead in a ditch somewhere rotting. This one was a difficult thing to find seeing as how most stepmothers I know simply try to buy your affection. Not to mention the fact that my mother is alive and married to my father still. But thanks to the new frontier of the World Wide Web I managed to find one.

Here's mine!! 

Next you have (and I mean HAVE) to be beautiful. And I'm not talking about having a "good personality". You have to be physically drop dead gorgeous. If you are not one of the lucky few, start collecting porcelain dolls and cats now to keep you company because you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Once you have the death-loving wicked stepmother and the stunning appearance, you need to have the intellect. This is probably the easiest of the steps. (Or hardest depending on your intelligence to begin with) The key to this feature is simple; DO NOT have one deep and abstract thought in your pretty, little head ever. You are not suppose to be interesting or smart. You are either suppose to be a good little housekeeper or use enough of your precious little brain cells to try and find one. But you may need to ask your husband to write down the questions to ask so you can muster enough intelligence to ask someone if they do windows. That is of course if you can read. If you can't, don't worry, your prince will love you even more for it.

(And now you know how Kristen Stewart landed the role of Snow White)

This next step offers options. You need to have one of these three things; seven little men who are named after common adjectives, a fairy godmother who has a strange fixation for pumpkins, or a posse of what is normally inanimate household products but have the unique ability to sing and dance. Luckily for you all of these things can be found on eBay.

After you have all of the things you need to meet the criteria, sit back and wait for your charming prince. Don't worry about how you will find him, he will find you. Your eyes will meet and you will fall instantly and desperately in love with one another without having to do all those frivolous things young people do these days, like speak to each other. Who needs conversation?

Now you need to have your satanic stepmother put you under some type of spell. That is why in you internet search "possesses magical powers" are important keywords. A stepmother that just wants you dead is not gonna cut it. Once you are under her spell don't worry, you won't die. Stepmothers are quirky like that. They want you dead but they refuse to kill you. They will just make you sleep for a while. But hey, who doesn't need the rest? And you will wake up because their spells can always be broken. But just to be on the safe side don't use the word intelligent in your search.

Coming to a prison near you!

All that's left is to enjoy your nap because your misogynistic, egocentric, one step away from hitting on your head with a club and dragging you back to the cave prince will come along and magically wake you up by kissing you. While you are still asleep and without your consent to it. Umm, isn't that considered sexual harassment? Oh well, you are too stupid at this point to notice or care that your prince charming is taking advantage of young, pretty women who are passed out. Which is why step number three (the step that teaches you to be devoid of thought) is an essential one that cannot be skipped. All you need to do now is wake up and gaze at the man who will be your husband.

So why, seeing as how we have a road map to be completely happy, do we still insist on "getting to know someone"? We have been offered a sacred plan, from a man who obviously knew the meaning of life, on how to be happy. All you really need in this life is a husband that will parade you around on his arm to show all of his moronic friends what a stud he is by getting such a perfect creature to love him. Just be sure you never get old because he will leave you, and don't become intelligent or you will leave him. So thank you Walt Disney. For leaving behind your insightful perception of what a woman should really be.

Come to think of it though, cats are looking better and better!