Retarded Things Twifag , I Mean "Twilight" Taught Me

"Twifag"... Uh I mean "Twilight" is a series of books/movies that have finally come to an end. Stephenie Meyer is done writing these shitty books and has instead gone on to write other shitty books that will be made into shitty movies, but I digress.

So seeing as how the saga is complete people of course have lost interest. Or not. Nope. Not even fucking close. There are still more fan pages and fan lit and fan art than "Fight Club" has. This signifies to me that society is in fact declining. So I decided to actually look into this obsession that still has the world sporting "Team Edward" t-shirts. So after watching the movies (because seriously, the writing actually sucked so bad I think the movies are better. And seeing as how the movies are crap that should say something.) I decided to share the core values that I think the author was shoving in our face the whole time.

1. Never have sex before marriage. 

Seriously, it can kill you. Edward didn't want to "hurt" Bella and was old fashioned. In books that have to do with vampires that don't drink human blood, the correlation with Ed not wanting to bust Bella's cherry was not lost on me. That vamp would not fuck until there was a ring on it!

But just to bring home the message, here is a picture of the author of the "sex is bad before marriage" message.

The most amazing part... she IS married!

So you are a teenager, or a guy that is REALLY old and you have all of these hormones screaming at you to HAVE SEX!!! PLEASE!!

2. So get married right out of high school so you can finally get laid.

Because that can in no way EVER go wrong!!

Something I did find odd though, while watching the movies (online because I was NOT going to pay for that shit!) I noticed that as soon as Edward and Bella was married, having sex was not dangerous. The guy that was worried he would kill an unmarried virgin had no problems hitting that once she was the ripe old age of 18 and married!

3 Kissing another guy is totally not cheating... so your boyfriend and soon to be hubby will totally understand.

"I don't love you, I have told you a million times! So Kiss ME!!"

To recap, Jacob heard that Bella was going to marry Edward so Bella asks Jacob to kiss her. Edward figures this out and when Bella says, "I love you more" his response is "I know." CUT FUCKING SCENE!! Wait... WHAT!! In real life she would be called out for the whore that she really is. The stupidness of this entire scene makes me question life on an existential basis. And I don't get paid enough to think that hard.

4. Abortion is NEVER okay. Even if the baby is growing and eating you from the inside out.

So surprise surprise the teen bride ends up being a teen mom. I won't really go into the details there because I think MTV owns the rights to that story. But the "thing" growing inside Bella after the very un-natural conception is in fact killing her! 

Skeleton Preggers! 

This begins a fight over whether or not Bella is carrying a "baby" or "fetus". This is the most pro-life scene I have witnessed since covering a republican convention. Of course the "fetus" wins out and Bella is only saved because her hubby is a vampire.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

So don't kill a fetus that is killing you and hope that your husband is a vampire and can save your life. Ummmm... OKAY?

And the last lesson I learned is..

5. Pedophilia... Is kind of okay.

Edward was 106, 107 and Bella was 18 when they got married. Yeah, that's not creepy at all! And to top it off, Jacob "imprints" on an infant.

So Jacob, a 17 year old falls in love with a baby! 

Suffice to say, after watching these movies, I felt the need to go to high school and preach safe sex rather than abstinence, not get pregnant while there was a "teen" behind my age, and I began to watch "Law and Order SVU"

At least they have their shit together. And don't think infants are the love of their lives!