How To Bag A Prince: Disney Style

It has been brought to my attention that all of my adult life I have been living under a misconception of love. I have been led to believe that love is something that grows out of friendship and takes time. I have been taught that love is not an easy thing. It is something that demands patience, nurturing, understanding, and commitment. Boy was I listening to the wrong people!

Love does require many things but none as difficult as the above mentioned. I finally woke up and saw the light. I know exactly what has been wrong with me. I should have listened to a great philosopher of long ago, Walt Disney. Ol' Walt here has the right idea of what love is all about. I realize I have been taking advice from people whose knowledge of romance could not possibly compare to this wonderful wise man. After all, ALL of his stories have ended in the famous lines of "Happily Ever After".

So I decided it was time to study this astute man for, not just my own sake, but for all of womankind. So after long nights of isolation from my friends and family, and after sleepless nights and taking tedious notes on my yellow legal pad I am ready to hare my findings with the world.

First of all, you must have a wicked stepmother who posses magical powers and wants nothing more than to see your body lying dead in a ditch somewhere rotting. This one was a difficult thing to find seeing as how most stepmothers I know simply try to buy your affection. Not to mention the fact that my mother is alive and married to my father still. But thanks to the new frontier of the World Wide Web I managed to find one.

Here's mine!! 

Next you have (and I mean HAVE) to be beautiful. And I'm not talking about having a "good personality". You have to be physically drop dead gorgeous. If you are not one of the lucky few, start collecting porcelain dolls and cats now to keep you company because you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Once you have the death-loving wicked stepmother and the stunning appearance, you need to have the intellect. This is probably the easiest of the steps. (Or hardest depending on your intelligence to begin with) The key to this feature is simple; DO NOT have one deep and abstract thought in your pretty, little head ever. You are not suppose to be interesting or smart. You are either suppose to be a good little housekeeper or use enough of your precious little brain cells to try and find one. But you may need to ask your husband to write down the questions to ask so you can muster enough intelligence to ask someone if they do windows. That is of course if you can read. If you can't, don't worry, your prince will love you even more for it.

(And now you know how Kristen Stewart landed the role of Snow White)

This next step offers options. You need to have one of these three things; seven little men who are named after common adjectives, a fairy godmother who has a strange fixation for pumpkins, or a posse of what is normally inanimate household products but have the unique ability to sing and dance. Luckily for you all of these things can be found on eBay.

After you have all of the things you need to meet the criteria, sit back and wait for your charming prince. Don't worry about how you will find him, he will find you. Your eyes will meet and you will fall instantly and desperately in love with one another without having to do all those frivolous things young people do these days, like speak to each other. Who needs conversation?

Now you need to have your satanic stepmother put you under some type of spell. That is why in you internet search "possesses magical powers" are important keywords. A stepmother that just wants you dead is not gonna cut it. Once you are under her spell don't worry, you won't die. Stepmothers are quirky like that. They want you dead but they refuse to kill you. They will just make you sleep for a while. But hey, who doesn't need the rest? And you will wake up because their spells can always be broken. But just to be on the safe side don't use the word intelligent in your search.

Coming to a prison near you!

All that's left is to enjoy your nap because your misogynistic, egocentric, one step away from hitting on your head with a club and dragging you back to the cave prince will come along and magically wake you up by kissing you. While you are still asleep and without your consent to it. Umm, isn't that considered sexual harassment? Oh well, you are too stupid at this point to notice or care that your prince charming is taking advantage of young, pretty women who are passed out. Which is why step number three (the step that teaches you to be devoid of thought) is an essential one that cannot be skipped. All you need to do now is wake up and gaze at the man who will be your husband.

So why, seeing as how we have a road map to be completely happy, do we still insist on "getting to know someone"? We have been offered a sacred plan, from a man who obviously knew the meaning of life, on how to be happy. All you really need in this life is a husband that will parade you around on his arm to show all of his moronic friends what a stud he is by getting such a perfect creature to love him. Just be sure you never get old because he will leave you, and don't become intelligent or you will leave him. So thank you Walt Disney. For leaving behind your insightful perception of what a woman should really be.

Come to think of it though, cats are looking better and better!